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Void's Journey Into Silence

There be menacing little gnomes and tricksters in the silence. And sometimes they lead to me smoalkin'.

I got a wild hair up my tushy, leading to me reorganizing a corner of my room. This entailed stacking the two book shelves, atop of which was my secondary altar on one and my dab station on the other. The details are tedious.

I didn't have anywhere to put my GVG is the point after all was said and done, so I set it on my primary altar...

Went about my day, thinking about it occasionally. There were some remnants of enhanced leaf, purposefully left in because I had been wondering if I was not drawing hard enough.

With my tea, realizing I also have a fresh new, unused filter in the too, I went for it, unsure of how much may be in there. No more than 25mg I was confident. That dose will send me though.

It was the second hit that made me start to laugh. The first had been mild, but I knew it was working because my tattoo started hurting. But that second hit, I started laughing when I thought, "ya done did it now," I laid down, and was just with all that discomfort for what felt like a long come-up, staying with my breath and counting for a while until I could just fall in.

While not crazy, I got a sort of viewport to see different aspects of hyperspace through in a subdued manner. It was nice. It was weird. It was nice and weird.

This is also after getting a little bit moar bang for my buck with some changa that just hit like a train with two hits.

One love
 
Deepening, deepening, deepening...

While this all started, this being my journey into silence, around the 11th of July, I'm considering the start of this to be August 1.

I'm going to shoot for three months of this and then reassess. My experience and progress here are only getting deeper, and while it's maddening, it's also fruitful. I find myself gravitating deeper and deeper, wanting more and more silence, less and less stimulation. I don't listen to music in the car, I haven't been listening at home really, my psychedelic forays haven't included it.

I put a goal on my phone for screen time. It's time to move into less stimulation overall, except for medicine. While I use my phone for work in several capacities, that also can lead to me being on social media. While it tends to be only a few minutes at a time, I quickly feel I'm wasting my time if I'm not looking at yoga, calisthenic, or "gossipgoblin" (this page actually makes me put my phone down after almost any video). I'm not trying to hear or listen to anyone's "insights" or "philosophies" or whatever other watered-down rhetoric they have to share. Not to be rude, I say that with compassion, I also have to look out for me more which means extending myself less which means a being a little more honest in how I feel.

There's a lot of "vapidity" out there...

Leisurely smoalking has been really nice. I have to reiterate some of the insights the space gives me to make this work. The space gives me a lot of freedom. Being "leisurely" about it seems to have connotations and associations of it not being respected or showed reverence... my relationship is deep, that's why I paradoxically don't need to go deep, and the space notified me of this. So I'm playing with this freedom. While leisurely, it's still "chalant" 🤣

I can't really keep up with everything above if I also don't keep mindfully not giving a f. That said, I'm very poor at enjoying myself. So in this time and empty space I'm trying to make that more of a priority... idk. Trying to break the mold that every single thing I do needs to be directed, which really leads to me having a lack of direction. Though I'm making progress, I still deal with a lot of action-paralysis. The zeitgeist of which entails physical pain which subconsciously hinders, lack of direction and alignment with self, and just the struggles of mental health.

I'm being with all of it.

One love
 
I already shared this with @Nydex. After sharing I figured why not share here since I'm 30 minutes early for therapy...

A lot of achiness in my soul right now... and I'm still in silence... and I'm losing my mind.

So much so that I had the brilliant idea of ripping some changa and staring in the mirror. It began eith me reflecting on my yoga mat, considering what I would like to see in myself, but don't. I thought a lot about arrogance and overzealousness. Always wondering if those regularly apply to me.

I do too much shadow work...

While I started this little experiment sober, I quickly wanted to deepen the process. Without hesitation I went back yo my room, grabbed the pipe, went back in the bathroom and ripped it. Not a lot, just enough to make things interesting.

I initially just looked at myself, only observing. Then I asked myself what I feel I can see objectively. Then I speculated on what could be observed energetically...

It culminated in me looking at myself, dead in the eyes, and feeling nauseous, sick. I had to sit down. I grabbed a hand mirror and continued my experiment until I landed.

I saw someone who has many needs that have gone unmet, initially by others, and then perpetuated in myself. I see someone who's nefarious father is a specter in his life.

I still haven't pinned down where the sick feeling came from.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
I already shared this with @Nydex. After sharing I figured why not share here since I'm 30 minutes early for therapy...

A lot of achiness in my soul right now... and I'm still in silence... and I'm losing my mind.

So much so that I had the brilliant idea of ripping some changa and staring in the mirror. It began eith me reflecting on my yoga mat, considering what I would like to see in myself, but don't. I thought a lot about arrogance and overzealousness. Always wondering if those regularly apply to me.

I do too much shadow work...

While I started this little experiment sober, I quickly wanted to deepen the process. Without hesitation I went back yo my room, grabbed the pipe, went back in the bathroom and ripped it. Not a lot, just enough to make things interesting.

I initially just looked at myself, only observing. Then I asked myself what I feel I can see objectively. Then I speculated on what could be observed energetically...

It culminated in me looking at myself, dead in the eyes, and feeling nauseous, sick. I had to sit down. I grabbed a hand mirror and continued my experiment until I landed.

I saw someone who has many needs that have gone unmet, initially by others, and then perpetuated in myself. I see someone who's nefarious father is a specter in his life.

I still haven't pinned down where the sick feeling came from.

One love
Click to expand...
Trust the process, brother, and remember that you're loved. You may not see why just yet, but with time it will be revealed to you. All you gotta do is trust the process. <3
 
Nydex said:
Trust the process, brother, and remember that you're loved. You may not see why just yet, but with time it will be revealed to you. All you gotta do is trust the process. <3
Click to expand...
Thank you brother. Love you man.

I can be less worried about my reading speed... another way in which I've been hard on myself.

For a highly sensitive person (HSP), reading speed can be slower due to a biological trait known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). Instead of filtering and processing information quickly, an HSP's brain engages in deeper, more elaborate processing. This "deep processing" is not a flaw but a core aspect of the HSP temperament, which also accounts for heightened empathy and awareness.
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How SPS affects reading speed
  • Deeper analysis: The HSP brain processes information more meticulously, making comparisons and connections to past experiences or other information. For reading, this means spending more time analyzing text and its nuances.
  • Susceptibility to overstimulation: Since HSPs have a lower perceptual threshold, their brains take in a high volume of stimuli from the environment and from the content itself. This can lead to information overload and "analysis paralysis," making it difficult to focus and move through a text quickly.
  • Strong emotional reaction: HSPs are more emotionally reactive and empathetic. When reading fiction, they may become deeply invested in characters, carrying their emotions and making the experience mentally and emotionally exhausting. For some, this intense reaction can lead to anxiety, which may cause them to "pre-read" the ending to manage suspense.
  • Difficulty filtering: The HSP brain is less efficient at filtering out irrelevant details. This can cause a reader to get distracted by minor elements in the text, or by background sights and sounds, further slowing down the process.
Strategies to improve reading for HSPs
Instead of trying to force a faster pace, which can lead to stress and burnout, HSPs can improve their reading experience by managing their sensitive nervous system.
Manage the reading environment
  • Reduce distractions: Minimize external stimuli by finding a quiet, dedicated reading space free from noise and visual clutter. Turn off notifications on your phone and computer to prevent interruptions.
  • Curate your input: Avoid material that is too emotionally overwhelming, especially when you are already feeling drained. This applies to news, intense fiction, or disturbing nonfiction topics.
Adjust your reading approach
  • Slow down deliberately: Accept that you are a deep processor and give yourself the time you need. Resist the urge to compare your reading speed to others.
  • Take frequent breaks: Step away from the material to give your brain a rest and recover from information overload. Go for a walk or do some stretching to help your nervous system regulate.
  • Chunk information: For nonfiction or dense material, break it into smaller, manageable sections. Read one section at a time and take a short break before moving on.
  • Preview and skim: Get a general overview of the material first by reading the table of contents, headings, and subheadings. This helps you understand the main ideas and reduces the mental load of processing new information.
Work with the content
  • Adjust for emotional intensity: If reading fiction with high emotional stakes, allow yourself to control the experience. Some HSPs may need to read the ending first to feel comfortable with the plot, especially with sensitive children.
  • Use active reading techniques: Taking notes, summarizing sections, and asking yourself questions can improve comprehension and focus. This gives your mind a specific task and can prevent it from getting lost in details.
  • Visualize the content: Use your strong visualization skills to your advantage. For fiction, enjoy the "movie in your inner eyes". For nonfiction, create mental pictures to help with memory and recall.
Click to expand...

One love
 
I would say even without some labels, you don't need to worry about your reading speed (unless it seemed to be a sign of some kind of damage or other underlying problems). It takes longer to read when you're thinking about what you're reading that if you're trying to optimize for some speed metrics. So unless it's so slow that it causes practical problems in your life (i.e. not being able to read a traffic sign in time), don't worry. You don't need a label or someone else to authorize you to be fine with it being slower than other people's.
 
Hey Void, a thought experiment question if you fancy it.

You are stuck on a beautiful desert island with everything you need for a simple survival indefinitely. Would you love yourself, who you are, unconditionally if the external human world did not exist to you?
 
@Voidmatrix, I never knew about HSP before, but it describes me very well. They even present lots of my strategies for how to deal with it. I was always a very slow reader in school, but teachers liked how deeply I went into the books I read. For example, I can only have one book on hand, or it gets overwhelming. If the book is very thick, it gets overwhelming. The topic needs to be interesting for me, or I will never finish it. When I read, I can reread the same sentence many times until I feel like I've understood the meaning. Another point is that I connect more easily with material that is emotionally engaging. Working with English becomes a chore because of it; it's hard enough in my mother tongue.

As I shared before, it would be easy to diagnose me with something if I wanted to. Giving it a name solves nothing, imo. I'll just continue to work on it as before.
I've overdone shadow work myself. Diving too deeply into your darkness leaves you with a very peculiar character.
Some days are just hard, and it feels like all the work was meaningless.

I just wanted to share with you. You are not alone. Everyone deals with something.
Much love ❤️
 
northape said:
@Voidmatrix, I never knew about HSP before, but it describes me very well. They even present lots of my strategies for how to deal with it. I was always a very slow reader in school, but teachers liked how deeply I went into the books I read. For example, I can only have one book on hand, or it gets overwhelming. If the book is very thick, it gets overwhelming. The topic needs to be interesting for me, or I will never finish it. When I read, I can reread the same sentence many times until I feel like I've understood the meaning. Another point is that I connect more easily with material that is emotionally engaging. Working with English becomes a chore because of it; it's hard enough in my mother tongue.

As I shared before, it would be easy to diagnose me with something if I wanted to. Giving it a name solves nothing, imo. I'll just continue to work on it as before.
I've overdone shadow work myself. Diving too deeply into your darkness leaves you with a very peculiar character.
Some days are just hard, and it feels like all the work was meaningless.

I just wanted to share with you. You are not alone. Everyone deals with something.
Much love ❤️
Click to expand...
I deal with similarities, but my approach is to have other books going at the same time. I'm reading four now. I used to read up to 8.

A rose by any other name... however, naming things helps categorize a spectrum of things that fall under its scope, which can lend toward understanding, which then leads change.

fink said:
Hey Void, a thought experiment question if you fancy it.

You are stuck on a beautiful desert island with everything you need for a simple survival indefinitely. Would you love yourself, who you are, unconditionally if the external human world did not exist to you?
Click to expand...
Idk. It might not even be considered in such a context.

blig-blug said:
I would say even without some labels, you don't need to worry about your reading speed (unless it seemed to be a sign of some kind of damage or other underlying problems). It takes longer to read when you're thinking about what you're reading that if you're trying to optimize for some speed metrics. So unless it's so slow that it causes practical problems in your life (i.e. not being able to read a traffic sign in time), don't worry. You don't need a label or someone else to authorize you to be fine with it being slower than other people's.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I'm chilling out over it now.

Off to work. ❤️

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
Idk. It might not even be considered in such a context.
Click to expand...

I disagree. I think if a person despises themself, they will still despise themself in that scenario. Our own company is either easy or insufferable dependant on self image.

But if the answer is 'yes, I would love myself in that scenario' it can be used as a foundation for working out how to love one's self in any environment with any external influences.

If yes to loving yourself on the island, but no to loving yourself in a populated environment, then it is a case of eliminating any external stimuli that hinder loving yourself.
 
fink said:
I disagree. I think if a person despises themself, they will still despise themself in that scenario. Our own company is either easy or insufferable dependant on self image.

But if the answer is 'yes, I would love myself in that scenario' it can be used as a foundation for working out how to love one's self in any environment with any external influences.

If yes to loving yourself on the island, but no to loving yourself in a populated environment, then it is a case of eliminating any external stimuli that hinder loving yourself.
Click to expand...
In this scenario, have I always been on this island, alone?

If so, where am I getting rhe idea of love in the way you're sharing it? This is why I said I don't know if it would be a consideration.

In many ways, we're taught to loathe ourselves is what I'm moving towards.

One love
 
I feel like I am very ready for what feels like long overdue change. Instead of defaulting to external considerations around what I ought to do (because we learn from each other, our societies, and cultures in those societies about some of the things we do for ourselves and decisions we make for ourselves to varying degrees and extents), I am tuned out, tapped in, and doing me. I've listened and considered too much and now I'm not... we'll see what comes of that, but I am actually not worried. I see myself, and what I concern myself with with regards to the optics in another's eyes is so much more inconsequential to me. I feel confident, I feel assertive. I feel ready to do more. My age usually perturbs me here, but not now, shit is just what it is, and the metric and standard around certain types of developments by certain ages is me just appealing to and pandering towards a way of thinking that I do not value in anyway.

I talk about being concerned about dealing with other people's feelings based on some input from my end... I don't care anymore. I'm not going to go out of my way to be a cruel person because that's not in my nature, but I am going to be more straightforward, orbiting less around what I really want to say as a means to assuage other people's emotions. I'm often kind of fired up when I don't feel I can or ought to say what I really want to and that makes me appear more sensitive than I am. I feel like this filtering has only done me a disservice as it seems that it has contributed to my felt cognitive decline. I also can't be dissuaded in my dynamic thinking anymore. I have to really align with self here. Most people aren't going to pick up what I am putting down. Just the way it is.

This dawned on me because I am still dealing with burnout in a big way even after quitting my old full-time job back in December. I still feel rusty and can't think. In this moment I saw what I'm dealing with with burnout, as it's Monday, and it feels like a Thursday, while I'm sitting here trying to fire my brain up by reviewing and relearning algebra because I feel rusty in almost everything. The other burnout indicator is in how my mind holds on to information... and by that I mean it doesn't. I can read something, understand what I'm reading while I am reading it and then once finished not remember what I read. I ain't okay with that.

I am going to use my many medicines as needed, and I am tuning out a lot of off-point advice, and being firm and okay with it. Just because someone is attempting a kindness doesn't mean I have to accept it if it's not fitting for who I am as a person.

I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO.

Love you all.

One love
 
Society exists within a pretty narrow bandwidth culturally. Hard to fit into a world of round holes when some people are squares some are triangles others are rectangles.

Or I’m just jaded.

When I speak my mind instead of going along with whatever it is today…it just feels simultaneously liberating and alienating.
 
Jamie01 said:
Society exists within a pretty narrow bandwidth culturally. Hard to fit into a world of round holes when some people are squares some are triangles others are rectangles.

Or I’m just jaded.

When I speak my mind instead of going along with whatever it is today…it just feels simultaneously liberating and alienating.
Click to expand...
It certainly does, and I can't allow myself to be brought to where I don't belong. Reminds me of a girl I dated that asked me, "why do you have to set yourself apart from others all the time?" I don't it's just the way things are, we aren't all the same, and I damn sure ain't no carbon-copy, cookie cutter, motherfucka (said like Samuel L: another mod can edit if they so choose, it's there for humor).

I'm jaded too.

I don't really stop and see how I feel in those moments... I pay more attention to how others feel... let's shift that.

One love
 
I am not allowed to categorically think that I am a shithead or that other people implicitly think that either.

Something dawned on me as I was driving home from a friend's business... usually people that people don't like, don't get free stuff constantly or allowed entry to something without more time and effort.

But when you're tapped in...

Then there's you guys. The masochist in me puts my head in the guillotine and you guys do all you can to not only take my head out of the lunette (I had to look that up), but you are also trying to dismantle the contraption altogether!

Tides shifting. I share it with love.

<3

One love
 
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