I certainly feel you, but I say that to create a paradox to explain the way I think. For example, skepticism, philosophically, isn't a philosophy like stances such as physicalism, materialism, panpsychism, etc.
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Void's Journey Into Silence
- Thread starter Voidmatrix
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If you could look clearly at a paradox, what stance would you take to achieve such a vantage point?
Does anything even make sense?
Does anything even make sense?
Post in thread 'Void's Skepticism Delineation' Void's Skepticism Delineation
Let's dance and orbit.
Inside and outside and everything in between.
Yes and no.
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I can't believe what burnout is like. To revisit, on a cognitive level, things are slow, so slow that it's hard to express myself and communicate simply often times. It's anxiety inducing. It makes me not feel like myself. Recall is a gamble as is short-term memory. When I write here a lot of times, I lose the thought in the middle of typing it. I look back at how I used to share things, and my prose is so much more simple and I often don't feel I'm saying what I want to say how I want to say it. That said, it makes it hard to do what I want to do. Writing, for example, has a standard with regard to the things I want to write about and how it is shared.
I tend to worry that my psychedelic use is the issue, but that's the worry wart in me. I'm much more eidetic and have a great cognitive flow more often than not after doing some amount of work.
Then there's the physical aspect. I have been diagnosed with a torn labrum and degenerative disc disease L5-S1, my joints hurt, my body hurts, and my fine motor control has noticeably declined (texting is hard and sometimes I feel too uncoordinated to type).
Moving forward, I think I have a little bit of a plan.
I need to change how I workout and interact with my body. There's a lot of mental value to how I used to lift, but my body will not allow it anymore. I am grieving the loss. At the same time, it's forcing me to slow down where I need to. In some ways I am going back to basics and in this way I can make healthier and more productive fitness habits, simultaneously learning to not be so hard on myself. The standard tends to be extant to prove the same things over and over to myself. I'm going to go back to actually having a workout plan, adding in lots of rehab and glute building to aid in my injuries and diagnoses, and try to put a little weight on. While I intend to push myself, I'm generally planning to take it easier to build and heal. I can still dragon squat, and I can still muscle-up among other things, even if I can't lift 2-3 times my bodyweight in other lifts anymore. Lastly, I am hoping to get into jiujitsu. It feels good to be able to defend oneself, it's humbling, and it's fun.
I am going to start writing everything down. Hopefully my brain will start to retain more by having a practice of just jotting regularly. I think this will also be most effective if done by hand. Even if this doesn't help me retain more, I at least have a record of things and can therefore forget less and complete more.
Consume the content that I find value in without worrying about retaining a lot of it. I think that as I continue to heal in this way, I will over time start to retain more information that feels important to me, even though a contributing factor is the sense of meaninglessness/arbitrariness I see a the core of things... makes it hard to remember in general. Some of this content though is my own, from reading old raps from over a decade ago to my threads. It's been really helpful and perpetuating development to see what's been there all this time. Overall, the idea of consuming the content I want to without eidetic concerns is somewhat an experiment in immersion. The more it's in my cognitive purview, the more I'll get out of it.
Smoalk moar. Simple as that. Last few times I have been very comfortable with all aspects. the idea, the decision, the approach, the practice. Again, when I am aligned in self there's not much questioning. I plan on playing as much as I want. After the last freebase experience, I am comfortable playing in the 10-15mg range. This is a gift. This feeling. This freedom...
I'm so tired.
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I tend to worry that my psychedelic use is the issue, but that's the worry wart in me. I'm much more eidetic and have a great cognitive flow more often than not after doing some amount of work.
Then there's the physical aspect. I have been diagnosed with a torn labrum and degenerative disc disease L5-S1, my joints hurt, my body hurts, and my fine motor control has noticeably declined (texting is hard and sometimes I feel too uncoordinated to type).
Moving forward, I think I have a little bit of a plan.
I need to change how I workout and interact with my body. There's a lot of mental value to how I used to lift, but my body will not allow it anymore. I am grieving the loss. At the same time, it's forcing me to slow down where I need to. In some ways I am going back to basics and in this way I can make healthier and more productive fitness habits, simultaneously learning to not be so hard on myself. The standard tends to be extant to prove the same things over and over to myself. I'm going to go back to actually having a workout plan, adding in lots of rehab and glute building to aid in my injuries and diagnoses, and try to put a little weight on. While I intend to push myself, I'm generally planning to take it easier to build and heal. I can still dragon squat, and I can still muscle-up among other things, even if I can't lift 2-3 times my bodyweight in other lifts anymore. Lastly, I am hoping to get into jiujitsu. It feels good to be able to defend oneself, it's humbling, and it's fun.
I am going to start writing everything down. Hopefully my brain will start to retain more by having a practice of just jotting regularly. I think this will also be most effective if done by hand. Even if this doesn't help me retain more, I at least have a record of things and can therefore forget less and complete more.
Consume the content that I find value in without worrying about retaining a lot of it. I think that as I continue to heal in this way, I will over time start to retain more information that feels important to me, even though a contributing factor is the sense of meaninglessness/arbitrariness I see a the core of things... makes it hard to remember in general. Some of this content though is my own, from reading old raps from over a decade ago to my threads. It's been really helpful and perpetuating development to see what's been there all this time. Overall, the idea of consuming the content I want to without eidetic concerns is somewhat an experiment in immersion. The more it's in my cognitive purview, the more I'll get out of it.
Smoalk moar. Simple as that. Last few times I have been very comfortable with all aspects. the idea, the decision, the approach, the practice. Again, when I am aligned in self there's not much questioning. I plan on playing as much as I want. After the last freebase experience, I am comfortable playing in the 10-15mg range. This is a gift. This feeling. This freedom...
I'm so tired.
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Burnout seems rampant in society and I can’t imagaine a solution that doesn’t involve a huge shift in work culture. 5 sick days and 10 vacation days a year…no wonder everyone feels the doom. Not sure how Europe is…I’m sure in the US it’s terrible.
Thank you for helping me to feel a little better about it. While I am working a great deal right now, my current work as a psychedelic guide among other things at the center is so much easier than harvesting cannabis on my body and easier to do overall because I enjoy it. I hope by virtue of this work, I'll recover sooner rather than later.
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Ya I can imagine. I spent some time taking contracts pruning for vineyards and it was just terrible labor for the pay with insane hours. Commercial gardening for stratas is much easier in comparison.
I feel that man. I broke myself for 8 years for that company, partly out of survival, but don't feel I have much to show for it aside from what I am healing and recovering from as a result of it. Lesson learned.
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ommani
Titanium Teammate
That's tough. Grueling as it sounds, I'm curious if working at that company enabled you to save the money that you needed for the guide training at the center you work at?
Nope, let's just say I got lucky... granted some of it isn't luck, but also my character which I suppose i can own.
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ommani
Titanium Teammate
Well, in that case, screw that company. Glad you’re on to bigger and better things!
8 years in that industry sounds like enough to brake you a couple times if it’s anything like how it’s done in Canada. It’s like min wage and your bent over in weird positions for hours and hours all knotted up. A lot of people do it for it a bit and just give up and get a landscape job cus money and you kinda move around more.
I tried a season in greenhouses too but it was just absolutely terrible.
It’s sad that this is now the weed reality…but it’s the reality surrounding the entire food/agriculture industry. I’d never suggest people get into horticulture…go study botany or some other science where your not a technician/ labor slave.
I tried a season in greenhouses too but it was just absolutely terrible.
It’s sad that this is now the weed reality…but it’s the reality surrounding the entire food/agriculture industry. I’d never suggest people get into horticulture…go study botany or some other science where your not a technician/ labor slave.
ommani
Titanium Teammate
I worked in the weed industry for like two months, around eleven years ago (for low pay), before quitting that horrible job. I started out as a trimmer and did that for around a month, but wasn't meeting the hourly quota, and got moved to the harvesting team, which I did for another month before completing my tenure. While I was on the harvesting crew, I remember spending all day, one time, removing weed stumps from the canvas containers they had been growing in. Eventually, I got sick and called out multiple days - they wanted a doctor's note for me to return to work, so I moved on from there. I can't imagine working in those kinds of industrial agriculture, warehouse settings for an extended length of time - it was truly a soul-crushing work environment, and comically/brutally unsupportive, especially in comparison to the type of mental health/non-profit settings I work in now.
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One ends up in an industry and job like that when they are unable to guage bullshit accurately and when they don't see their potential, don't have any internal value, or has low self-worth.
I tend to assume that I am weak and need to just suck up most things... thanks dad.
This industry was no exception. I stuck with it because I didn't think I could do anything better, despite how dumb everyone was. Who am I to think that? It's not their fault...
It's an industry full of dolts bereft of moral or rational thought. I'd break my back only to have my boss talk shit as if I wasn't (while he was the type to sleep in his car). While there were plenty of instances in which I would stick up for others or the entire team against him, I rarely stood my ground on behalf. He got mad at me for getting a drink of water once... and I let it be... had he said it to anyone else I would've addressed him publicly like I had in the past.
I was one of the hardest and fastest workers during my time there. I regularly trimmed 3 to 5 times faster than more than 75% of the team at any given time. I tended to be the fastest if not tied for the fastest at cutting down plants. We often couldn't go home until the work was done (I chopped plants with a headlamp on plenty of times). That being the case, I would end up cutting plants in order improve pace to help get us out on time. Otherwise, if we didn't stay late and stayed behind with the work then we'd have to come in on a day off to finish. Being aware of this, I tried to mitigate it, only to have these ungrateful shits take advantage of it and not work as hard because I would tend to pick up the slack.
I remember this kid was too xannied out one day and fell asleep on the table while I was cruising chopping down plants. I was livid when I saw that shit. I went up to the metal table and slammed both hands on hit hard waking him up. He looked like he was ready to fight, which I would've accommodated him (I used to tell everyone that I had gloves in the trunk... and I did), but I told him that I'll be damned if he's going to sleep while I'm busting ass. If he wants to be like that he can take his ass home.
I learned that being too good and too hard a worker only sets you up to be abused and taken advantage of. At least that's the case in these types of corporate wage slave milieus.
I know that some of the issues I have with motor control and dexterity come from my time in the hell hole. I trimmed so fast that one day one of the growers took a video of my hands while I was trimmed a cola during a wet harvest. When he showed me the video, I told him to take it off fast-forward, and he said it was normal speed...
I really should've been paid an hourly wage plus a weight bonus. I put in work.
Again the people sucked. After my best friend left the company (and I met him there, and he was one of the best things to come from working there), I spent the vast majority of my time in my headphones. My best friend and I would chop it up between us but out loud, so really anyone could join in. One time someone mentioned how the discussions he and I have make other people feel dumb and as though they're not included. I checked them real quick because the friend I mention is one of the most compassionate people I know, and I am aware that I am not doing anything to intentionally make people feel "dumb." I told them that they are free to join in the conversation and even more welcome to ask questions, that's why we have the conversations out loud... we're not trying to be exclusive. At the same time, what does that person expect me to do? Not talk? Them feeling dumb because they don't understand a conversation that they choose not be a part of sounds like a personal problem, and I'm not the person with said problem.
Sorry, I could go on all day. I got one more. My boss was telling me one day about how he and his wife at the time went to a MMA fight the night before. He said he really enjoyed it, except for when the women started fighting, that was hard for him to watch. He followed it up by saying, "hoodrats though, I can watch them fight all day," while laughing. For those who don't know, "hoodrat" tends to be a pejorative moniker for, typically, impoverished African-American women. I assumed he just didn't realize, and I told him that he might want to be careful saying that. He said why, the shit is funny, and I told him that that can be construed as being okay with watching black women fight and not white women. This is important because he was part of management and the department next door had a majority African-American, female, staff at the time. If one of them heard it, that could be his job. Mind you, I was calm and wasn't mad. I was actually looking out for his dumb ass. He said that I was wrong, so I searched "hoodrat fights" on YouTube and showed him while scrolling down, asking, "what do you see?" What he saw was mostly videos of black women fighting... He then proceeds to get in a huff and all in his feelings about it, saying something to the effect of, "I'm just going to shut up and not share anything with anybody anymore," and storms off. That sounds like a good idea...
This is the same guy that years later wanted to advocate for bringing bullying back because people are too soft while also claiming to be an "empath." He's also a very large man, being around 6'5 and over 200lbs... unlikely he was going to be bullied like some other people would because of his size alone.
Ugh, while harvesting one day, I happened to be talking about powerlifting. He asked why would anyone ever need to lift 400lbs. I explained that I competed, but he still had something to say about that. I explained how lifting heavy helps me mentally, and he scoffed at that. I gave several more reasons, he didn't accept any. After feeling like I had run out of things to say I let slip, "well, it is nice knowing that I'm one of the strongest people, pound for pound, most places I go." He then capitalized on that "egoic" statement. I told him that I had given him plenty of apt reasons and that was just the one he wanted to focus on in order to make me look bad. Then, the buddy mentioned above, chimes in from another table (drawing from a previous conversation about a tree falling on a vehicle), "well if a tree falls on [dumb ass boss's name here]'s car, we all know who he's going to call."
I can't believe I just ranted about that this much, but maybe I had to get it out.
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ommani
Titanium Teammate
Dude, that all sounds completely ridiculous. I can relate to toughing it out through challenging situations that are out of alignment for me (I don't think that quality is too uncommon, and presumably gets cultivated, by kids, as a way of surviving dysfunctional family systems). Many of the people I worked with in the cannabis industry weren't exactly the brightest, either. I literally remember two guys talking about beating people up and then peeing on them haha
May the muddy BS of what you went through in that environment serve the awakening of your lotus nature, and if that doesn't work, you know what to do (smoalk moar).
May the muddy BS of what you went through in that environment serve the awakening of your lotus nature, and if that doesn't work, you know what to do (smoalk moar).
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It, among other things, related and unrelated, has shown me how much resilience and capacity I have in many ways. Now to put my foot down.
There were two guys that were talking about not wanting to respect someone's pronouns. After a few words, I told them I'd refer to them with female pronouns because that's how I saw them, since they wanted to use that type of rationale themselves. The raw stupidity in that industry in an endless burning pit.
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I'm late, but
You have been mentioning lately that you can't get much sleep. So I think it's very likely to be sleep deprivation. Even if you don't feel sleepy it affects your focus, short term memory, etc. Years ago I had a period of hypomania where I slept very little but felt great, however my working memory didn't work right.
You have been mentioning lately that you can't get much sleep. So I think it's very likely to be sleep deprivation. Even if you don't feel sleepy it affects your focus, short term memory, etc. Years ago I had a period of hypomania where I slept very little but felt great, however my working memory didn't work right.
Yep. With sleep deprivation, ability to recall information is the first thing to go. I remember forgetting my own telephone number, which I had always remembered up to that point, after a party-centric sleep deprivation marathon.
Once, I forgot my card's pin code after a mushroom trip. It was a fun few days
Maybe 15 years ago, I enjoyed a tablespoon of piracetam in a glass of water, followed by a cup of strong espresso.
My memory was very on point, but mania got to me in the end. It was an awesome pre-workout supplement, though
I think this is the inevitable outcome of the system. Currently it would not function the way it does if a large section of the workforce was employed in the worse sectors. How would anyone get rich?
Praise capital.
Don’t hate yourself.