I've put it in a basket somewhere for another time, I have a short backlog of reading material at the moment which I mean to get through first. Thanks
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Why DMT Scares Me
- Thread starter Voidmatrix
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- dmt
I wish I could share this class video I am in with you where my boss guides me. It's a psychedelic cannabis breathwork session and I shake the whole time. Really hard.
My only point is you don't have to worry or fear it. It's part of a medicine experience. It's what healing can look like.
One love
My only point is you don't have to worry or fear it. It's part of a medicine experience. It's what healing can look like.
One love
I'm not knowingly fearing it as far as I can tell, it feels more of an inconvenience that happens before I can get to the main event. I have been letting it happen for the simple fact that it seems to need to. I think I've been experimenting with DMT since October last year, and this is something that has slowly developed, and honestly during that time my personal apprehension towards a session has eased off loads.
I've so far only had one big tearful moment where I found myself deeply saddened for the aggressor in a certain war and I let that wet-face moment play out as I thought it must be there for a reason.
*Keeps shaking his Booty, but when I say booty I mainly mean my legs with the rest of me following along*
I've so far only had one big tearful moment where I found myself deeply saddened for the aggressor in a certain war and I let that wet-face moment play out as I thought it must be there for a reason.
*Keeps shaking his Booty, but when I say booty I mainly mean my legs with the rest of me following along*
Not proud but also not shy about my session tonight. I had some family issues at the house and I ended up going outside and really just went looking for god. I went for 4 hours beating my chest and getting closer to my true self. Now my head hurts and its 3 am and I dont feel tired I feel mentally drained but not ready for bed. changa then freebase, GVG then CYLO and that was on repeat. still parachuting back in, more to come.
Y
Getting a light snack on board and reading my Bhagavad Gita.
Y
Getting a light snack on board and reading my Bhagavad Gita.
I have something to share regarding this topic, but I am not sure what it is or how to say it. This reflects an ongoing issue with brainfog, that while I can mitigate and ameliorate some, it still compounds over time and makes my expression feel messy.
Someone gave me advice to "soften" around my medicine sessions and experience. This stands out to me because "hardness" and/or "toughness" and important qualities for me to hold onto. Bearing in mind my mental health struggles, I see the world in a hostile way generally and fundamentally at the unconscious and subconscious levels (abusive childhood, bullied, and my general wide awareness of the world inform this sense and view). I work with my conscious mind to shift the status quo of these lower levels that inform the upper level of my conscious mind. That said, and as many of you are aware, I am a very anxious person.
Softening around myself and my experiences is foreign to me because I feel that that's not allowed for me (though it is). More specifically, it's not allowed from me to me... It's an overpreparation for what I fear and expect from the world predicated on past experience and circumstance.
This mandate for hardness and toughness has been a limiting factor of my progress and journey. It plainly reflects and perpetuates an affect and stance that leads me to continue to be hard on myself. I often have higher expectations on myself relative to what I feel, how intensely I feel it, and how I operate relative to it. With DMT, my anxiety spikes hard, and I already have anxiety disorders, but because it's that much harder to do things in spite of my anxiety, there is some judgment placed upon me. That judgment is unreasonable and unnecessary.
Where is the grace? Where is the understanding for myself? I have tried so hard to provide it to others... what about me...?
What happens to also be on my mind, linked to all of this is:
My question to myself is how do I shift this?
Regarding my flagellating "hardness" (we have to bear in mind, while these traits are preferred, I don't feel "tough" or "hard" and don't see myself in these ways, but quite the contrary), it's not that reflections of such can't be seen. I am scared of this medicine and keep doing it afterall. But softening has proved to be beneficial. I take my time with intaking the medicine, going as far as I feel comfortable in the moment, and have withdrawn the need to finish every dose. Paradoxically, I have been finishing most of the doses. There are hypothetical conversations in my mind where I feel I have to explain and justify why it's hard for me to someone else who it isn't hard for. "What's wrong with you?" "It's not that hard." "Stop being a baby and just do it." I really don't know how to engage people that think it such simple Simon ways (without becoming indignant and pointed...maybe I should let this out...), but I feel like it's out there in the world and I have to engage it. Deeper, I need to give a shit more what my well-honed, incisive, and discerning mind feels and thinks, and not the simple Simons that I mention (through awareness, I concede in so many instances that I might be wrong or limited). Obviously, I have been negatively impacted in a way that makes this a algorithm and parameter of my mind. The DMT and changa vapors help me to cleanse it away.
One love
Someone gave me advice to "soften" around my medicine sessions and experience. This stands out to me because "hardness" and/or "toughness" and important qualities for me to hold onto. Bearing in mind my mental health struggles, I see the world in a hostile way generally and fundamentally at the unconscious and subconscious levels (abusive childhood, bullied, and my general wide awareness of the world inform this sense and view). I work with my conscious mind to shift the status quo of these lower levels that inform the upper level of my conscious mind. That said, and as many of you are aware, I am a very anxious person.
Softening around myself and my experiences is foreign to me because I feel that that's not allowed for me (though it is). More specifically, it's not allowed from me to me... It's an overpreparation for what I fear and expect from the world predicated on past experience and circumstance.
This mandate for hardness and toughness has been a limiting factor of my progress and journey. It plainly reflects and perpetuates an affect and stance that leads me to continue to be hard on myself. I often have higher expectations on myself relative to what I feel, how intensely I feel it, and how I operate relative to it. With DMT, my anxiety spikes hard, and I already have anxiety disorders, but because it's that much harder to do things in spite of my anxiety, there is some judgment placed upon me. That judgment is unreasonable and unnecessary.
Where is the grace? Where is the understanding for myself? I have tried so hard to provide it to others... what about me...?
What happens to also be on my mind, linked to all of this is:
Like WTF, Void?!?! You want long experiences like this... so why don't you? Why have intimately long sessions with yourself not been more of a priority? Habits of conditioning and worry, worries that make no sense, but are created and gripped by my anxiety. While I feel I have a lot to do (which is also just anxiety) and feel I have to be responsible, those aren't reasons anymore, but instead excuses. I let the my judgment of my natural response to the consideration of partaking in this medicine curb my approach and attempt and duration.
My question to myself is how do I shift this?
Regarding my flagellating "hardness" (we have to bear in mind, while these traits are preferred, I don't feel "tough" or "hard" and don't see myself in these ways, but quite the contrary), it's not that reflections of such can't be seen. I am scared of this medicine and keep doing it afterall. But softening has proved to be beneficial. I take my time with intaking the medicine, going as far as I feel comfortable in the moment, and have withdrawn the need to finish every dose. Paradoxically, I have been finishing most of the doses. There are hypothetical conversations in my mind where I feel I have to explain and justify why it's hard for me to someone else who it isn't hard for. "What's wrong with you?" "It's not that hard." "Stop being a baby and just do it." I really don't know how to engage people that think it such simple Simon ways (without becoming indignant and pointed...maybe I should let this out...), but I feel like it's out there in the world and I have to engage it. Deeper, I need to give a shit more what my well-honed, incisive, and discerning mind feels and thinks, and not the simple Simons that I mention (through awareness, I concede in so many instances that I might be wrong or limited). Obviously, I have been negatively impacted in a way that makes this a algorithm and parameter of my mind. The DMT and changa vapors help me to cleanse it away.
One love
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If I am being totally honest I started the session out of anger/frustration I had been looking forward to one all month but between my duties in my house and current events it felt rushed so I let the anxiety and fear of what could be ...what might happen prevent me from partaking. Well last night I got frustrated with my seemingly lack of control of my own life and just went for the whole thing, ready for anything good/bad it didn't matter it was going to at least be on my terms.
I am not recommending this approach this felt a little unhinged.
There are some gaps in my recollection of the evening, I just so badly wanted to have a profound experience and feel Alive and grit my teeth and pound my chest and connect to that place that feels so subdued in my day to day life. In that aspect the mission was a success today is essentially a loss its 230 pm and I just had a cup of coffee.
@Voidmatrix for me the shift occurred in a moment of frustration when all the small thoughts of fear and what if's were overtaken by frustration and became irrelevant. I hope you take a different road but get to the same place.
Y
My frustration has been mounting for a long time. I grabbing the bigger pipe. After walking my dog, I am going to sit with it with no expectation on depth, just an aim to keep smoking, and try to do so until I am satisfied instead of defaulting to, "I did it a lil."
One love
Frustration pays off it you let it... temperance and mindfulness is key, otherwise we pop off when we shouldn't.
I wasn't trying to go as deep as I'd like to in my mind. But I was very much in it. Because so many hits were taken, my system was not only saturated by DMT, but also harmalas, and the overall feeling brought me back to DMTx sensations and feelings.
I shot for an hour. Task complete. There's plenty to unpack. I am learning that there's an internal capacity to increase the intensity of the experience without adding more medicine. That or, there are ways to orient oneself that other "blocks" disappear and a landscape that was already there is shown.
Definitely plenty of scary moments, but they all ended up being good when I didn't give into the fear.
While I didn't finish the bowl, this was Ionger than usually "allowed." I HAVE to take note of this, otherwise it'll fade like a dream and I'll default to the native inhibitory state that blocks this access with the divine.
One love
Sounds Awesome!
I shot for an hour. Task complete.
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