Why DMT Scares Me

[Voidmatrix]

This is the last recording I'll share. I tried to channel the narrative of my journey today through the drum.

One love

 

[northape]

(and yes, @northape under a blanket)

Blanket is the way to go

And yes, whole journey in silence, aside from my own drumming, and vocal musings.

All recordings are welcome. They usually tell more about your state of mind than words do.
I love singing mantras or kirtan, but silence is actually the next step

Ima sit at the cool kid's table with @blig-blug and do this weekly.

Please do. I feel like long-term exposure to oral brews provide a very beneficial form of healing, that is quite different from smoking.
You can always adjust your dose of harmalas and go as deep as you want. Ime, harmalas are the main teacher and guiding force here.
DMT is all about awakening and opening the mind. What are you going to do with this opening?
Here comes the benefit of long oral experiences, where you can slowly explore and work on your body-mind.
You can do some yoga, humming, singing, and so on. It typically goes deeper into the psyche (especially in harmala-heavy sessions) and has a more lasting effect.
This is not to diss smoking, but it's a different experience.
I'm glad you did it, and that it treated you well.
All the best and much Love

 

[blig-blug]

I'm happy you had such a good experience. I agree with @northape about the benefits of oral DMT+harmalas, personally I haven't found a more healing psychedelic for me.

It's also good to hear that using capsules didn't result in a misfire. I may try it, because even orange juice repulses me now. I have been thinking about the possibility of putting DMT inside a small capsule, and that small capsule together with harmalas inside a bigger one. That way (if it works) the harmalas would be released first.

I liked the recordings. I didn't know what a steel tongue drum was and I interpreted it as (steel (tongue drum)) instead of (steel tongue (drum)), so I was expecting something like a vargan/khomus. Even though it's not one, it has inspired me to try playing my vargan next time.

And welcome to the weekly -huasca club It's now two weeks since I had my last dose, but I'll pay my membership dues soon.

 

[Voidmatrix]

but silence is actually the next step

Silence was one of the theme of this experience.

Please do. I feel like long-term exposure to oral brews provide a very beneficial form of healing, that is quite different from smoking.
You can always adjust your dose of harmalas and go as deep as you want. Ime, harmalas are the main teacher and guiding force here.
DMT is all about awakening and opening the mind. What are you going to do with this opening?
Here comes the benefit of long oral experiences, where you can slowly explore and work on your body-mind.
You can do some yoga, humming, singing, and so on. It typically goes deeper into the psyche (especially in harmala-heavy sessions) and has a more lasting effect.
This is not to diss smoking, but it's a different experience.
I'm glad you did it, and that it treated you well.
All the best and much Love

I've always acknowledged the benefit of being in the space longer, but I don't tend to feel like I have the time, hence why I smoalk so much. Being able to set more than 5 hours aside is a luxury right now, but I may have to force it.

And yeah, harmalas and harmala containing plants are just as important to me as DMT and DMT containing plants, similar to the stance many Ayahuasceros take.

It is a very different experience, which is why I usually have a bowl of changa laying around too, but I wanted it to be mainly pharma, aside from the cameo of cannabis.

I'm happy you had such a good experience. I agree with @northape about the benefits of oral DMT+harmalas, personally I haven't found a more healing psychedelic for me.

It's also good to hear that using capsules didn't result in a misfire. I may try it, because even orange juice repulses me now. I have been thinking about the possibility of putting DMT inside a small capsule, and that small capsule together with harmalas inside a bigger one. That way (if it works) the harmalas would be released first.

I liked the recordings. I didn't know what a steel tongue drum was and I interpreted it as (steel (tongue drum)) instead of (steel tongue (drum)), so I was expecting something like a vargan/khomus. Even though it's not one, it has inspired me to try playing my vargan next time.

And welcome to the weekly -huasca club It's now two weeks since I had my last dose, but I'll pay my membership dues soon.

No, no misfires. This method works for me every time. No noticeable taste because it doesn't have the chance to set off my tastebuds. I also use a small amount of water and lemon juice to dissolve my DMT so it's like taking a shot.

I'm glad you guys like the recordings. I really enjoy playing.

For some reason I only slept four hours, and my mind is on fire, so I'm off!

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I've talked about this "difficulty" so much that it's gotten stale, but I've also overwhelmed myself with data.

I took these quick notes to put this to rest, allowing it all to just be part of a process.

"My relationship with myself, lacking trust and confidence and ability to see and admit. Have to learn to allow and be able to give to myself the things I want. I have too much internalized judgment, not enough understanding and grace.

I'm neurotic, paranoid, and anxious.

I'm highly sensitive and have let the pressure of my desire and inability to grant get to me.

Life is more stressful than when I was traveling deeper.

My sensitivity to medicines has shifted

While I don't know what ima get, I don't have the capacity for good either, so a worry about the good and the bad. I have to be able to receive.

The shit is fuckin crazy, simple as that, and gets harder to handle in some ways over time as it also gets weirder.

There are no expectations around this except my own (and my expectstions of myself are too great), the spaces and the mysterious "powers that be."

I'm not weak. I'm deep.

This is a symbol of the amount of things I need to reapproach in my life."

One love

 

[Pandora]

This is also an indication that you are human. This post touches on so many of the difficulties and dilemmas of simply being a self aware and AUTHENTIC human.

 

[Pandora]

Voidmatrix,

You DO have the capacity for good. Any/Everyone still breathing has that capacity. You are an explorer, a teacher, a guide. You do good just by being you.

I will never forget when we inaugurated the new Nexus with a SHE and you offered a kind of guided meditation. It was freaking amazing. I had no idea I could go so deep, feel so altered and ready for DMT, simply by listening to a voice!

When my husband died you immediately stepped up and volunteered to host a memorial SHE when I was ready.

I wish your internalized judgement would allow you to see what I and others see. . . .

You have a dog, yes?

I have found dogs and cats to be superior judges of character. How does your dog relate/behave towards you?

 

[Voidmatrix]

Well, this just got fun and interesting. It's funny when it appears a misunderstanding ought to happen.

You DO have the capacity for good. Any/Everyone still breathing has that capacity. You are an explorer, a teacher, a guide. You do good just by being you.

I may have misspoken above. What I meant was that I don't have the capacity to receive or handle "good." It's something I see as a guide a lot, but part of the shadow I didn't realize I was avoiding as much as I do.

There's an aspect of DMT and changa that, accompanied with It's intensity, feels and seems so good, and a part of me has a hard time being cool with that, as though my negativity bias has some upper threshold expectancy for the amount at which something can be good and not be a hidden bad, to say it simply.

However...

I will never forget when we inaugurated the new Nexus with a SHE and you offered a kind of guided meditation. It was freaking amazing. I had no idea I could go so deep, feel so altered and ready for DMT, simply by listening to a voice!

When my husband died you immediately stepped up and volunteered to host a memorial SHE when I was ready.

I wish your internalized judgement would allow you to see what I and others see. . . .

You helped see a bit more that I simply forget a lot of the good that I do. Thank you for the very kind feedback, the kind that leaves me a bit speechless, but also, in true Pandora fashion, shoving it right there for me to see a perspective of it. I feel like you may have learned that from some of your hyperspace adventures

However, I was also glad to do those things, and they seemed necessary. It just seemed right.

For the last part, thank you... I'm trying to shift it, and maybe we can say there have been shifts in my perspective, even if slight.

You have a dog, yes?

I have found dogs and cats to be superior judges of character. How does your dog relate/behave towards you?

I sadly had to say goodbye to mine last month.

However, ironically, I have weird interactions and impacts on animals. I can't count the number of times someone says, "my dog doesn't do that with anyone else," or "my cat usually hates people" or some other such statement. On Sunday, at my friend/tattoo artist's house, his dog was whining excitedly at me (which he says she doesn't do with anyone else), giving me lots of kisses. Then she flopped down and showed her tummy, which I rubbed, and then she proceeded to pee on the carpet My friend was shocked.

I usually just shrug these things off... but perhaps they're also hints I'm missing...

Love you

One love

 

[Pandora]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. .

And I am NOT at all surprised that you get that from animals. Not one bit.

 

[ShadedSelf]

Maybe Im misreading that, but even though a lot of it is phrased as an observation of what is, for the most part it kinda feels like an expression of what shouldnt be, where you shouldnt be at, it sounds to me like there is this underlying tone of rejection towards the whole thing.
Thats kinda what Im reading there.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Maybe Im misreading that, but even though a lot of it is phrased as an observation of what is, for the most part it kinda feels like an expression of what shouldnt be, where you shouldnt be at, it sounds to me like there is this underlying tone of rejection towards the whole thing.
Thats kinda what Im reading there.

Could you elaborate more on what you observe from your vantage?

I'm sure that in delineating what "is" we implicitly show what isn't in some cases.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

I dont know if I have much to elabotate, from here the rejection of what is feels like the main theme, as subtle as it might be.

If you want a slightly more cognitive answer; there are words like "I have to" and "I need to", there seems to be this reaching out towards the light which comes at the cost of what Im assuming feels like darkness.
This feels like it creates tension.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I dont know if I have much to elabotate, from here the rejection of what is feels like the main theme, as subtle as it might be.

If you want a slightly more cognitive answer; there are words like "I have to" and "I need to", there seems to be this reaching out towards the light which comes at the cost of what Im assuming feels like darkness.
This feels like it creates tension.

Not sure if follow. I said have to and need to twice in total, so I'm not sure this is that thematic.

If there are ways in which I feel healing is necessary then there are conditional things that have to and need to be done in order to heal, similar to how one needs to suture an open wound to allow it to heal.

One love

 

[ommani]

I'm neurotic, paranoid, and anxious.

Careful about reifying yourself, my friend, particularly through a negative lens. I think it could just as easily by said that you’re a disciplined, compassionate, conscientious, intrepid person, and the list goes on. We’re all imperfect, open-ended, works in progress, embodying something much greater than ourselves.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Careful about reifying yourself, my friend, particularly through a negative lens. I think it could just as easily by said that you’re a disciplined, compassionate, conscientious, intrepid person, and the list goes on. We’re all imperfect, open-ended, works in progress, embodying something much greater than ourselves.

I'm smelling what you're stepping in. But there is some strategy to this.

Underneath it all is a very strong, yet very mindful I-don't-give-a-f mentality backing this reflection and ownership of elements of my current person that influence what I feel is a current block in the depths at which I travel psychedelically. I'm simply acknowledging what's there, naming it and tagging it, because then I can either manage it or ignore it.

As an example I've smoalked some amount of changa since writing that. I've taken the "quick notes" from above with me into these journeys. It's been interesting because I found it easier to take a step back when the torrent of feelings and thoughts that act as deterrents decide to float to the surface of my conscious mind. I can see certain patterns and say "hey, that's kinda neurotic," or "hey, that seems paranoid." It takes the power away from these patterns that lead to likely falsehoods and act as deterrents.

There was no intent to disparage myself. I have wanted to go deeper, but can't bring myself to do so. Why? Well there ya go.

At the same time, thank you. I didn't necessarily say anything positive about myself in all of that, but I felt that the act of writing those quick notes was something to feel good about. So I appreciate the balance that you provided. I aspire and strive for those qualities.

But I'm not on the merry-go-round anymore, largely because I don't care.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Continuing to ponder, there's something that I'll take from you there @ommani .

If level or degree of awareness is vector and consideration with regard to those that can enter these spaces all willy nilly, then my own depth is a part of my own conundrum that we keep dancing around. Like, I don't know, but I  know what's up in these spaces... to say it in the broadest and most non-specific way possible.

I swear there's something about the space. Something I can't quite put my finger on, but to be wary and cautious of...

I'm very confident about this feeling/sense/intuition.

Some of the gestalt of this "issue" pertains to this "stance." So yes, I'm conscientious, and perhaps even more conscientious than paranoid.

One love

 

[Panpsychic]

I swear there's something about the space. Something I can't quite put my finger on, but to be wary and cautious of...

I'm very confident about this feeling/sense/intuition.

Some of the gestalt of this "issue" pertains to this "stance." So yes, I'm conscientious, and perhaps even more conscientious than paranoid.

One love

I understand where you are coming from, but I wouldn't take that stance. I think it risks introducing a paranoia into the system, but if that is your experience then it is thus.

I am quite familiar also, but there is nothing in the space that I am wary of. That is, the awareness I access is fundamentally good, infinite in range, and ultimately has my interests and benefit in mind.
That said, am I wary and hesitent and anxious about partaking sometimes? Yes which I have shared about also.

We discussed previously about how it calls to us at times outside tripping, quite literally not figuratively. I don't always heed the call because of the anxiety and tripdation.

That trepidation however is because of a sense of awe and the mystery of it, and of course sometimes being given difficult but needed lessons.
However those are 'me' issues rather than issues with the space itself is how I see it.

 

[northape]

I swear there's something about the space. Something I can't quite put my finger on, but to be wary and cautious of...

I am quite familiar also, but there is nothing in the space that I am wary of. That is, the awareness I access is fundamentally good, infinite in range, and ultimately has my interests and benefit in mind.

I feel that space is ultimately good, but it comes with a small caveat: the ability to annihilate you. People read about God, spirituality, and psychology and think there is something to gain. The same applies to psychedelic experiences; we want to bring something back or have a good time. However, the truth lies in letting go of ourselves. All of these practices or experiences lead toward our own death. People who dive deep without any fear or anxiety are just too sure of themselves and their reality. They like to use spirituality as decorations for their old selves. Those who are aware of the potential for annihilation are much more wary. Even if it's a temporary erasure, we still remember and try to avoid it.

By the way, your ego is you. You are this little self, and you live from a limited perspective. Yes, the light that gives that self life comes from God, but you use it for your own good and survival. A good metaphor from Sri Ramana comes to mind: the ego will always play the role of a policeman when you try to question it. Then, a lot of investigation will be done, but no culprit will ever be found.

It's good to label things and try to fix ourselves, but this project has no end. Ego games have no end; they just spin for eternity. Just see who needs to know. Who feels anxiety and fear? We have only one real fear: when we look right into our own face. Then, the abyss of the unknown opens, and we have a choice to jump. Almost no one makes that choice, but if you do, the freedom beyond the mind is right there. There is nothing to fear, but we feel as if it's the end. As the late Chögyam Trungpa said, "The bad news is that you're falling through space; the good news is that there's no bottom."

Consistent deep dives just mean that the ego has gotten accustomed to this DMT death-rebirth cycle. As a consequence, you have a stronger ego now. Look into the 5-MeO community, and you will see how much narcissism is there. It would be a good confirmation of my words. I feel the reason intoxicants are banned in most spiritual traditions is that they easily lead to delusion. Working with them for something more than mundane reality (samsara) is very tricky and highly advanced.

I am quite an ape myself, hence my nickname. All my dives are mostly by feel, and this practice creates a stronger ego for sure. Right now, I follow a simple piece of advice: you need a well-formed ego in order to get rid of it. The ego can never destroy itself, but having a healthy one makes it easier to live and practice any form of spirituality.

A long rant about nothing. Peace.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I kinda opened a can of worms. There's a reason that I usually keep certain tidbits to myself.

I hear you both, I really do. However, we haven't had the same experiences, and we also don't operate from the same predicate metaphysical assumptions about the space.

I can't really lean on anything when it comes to the space. It's at the crossroads of the summit of mystery. We can't explain consciousness and that makes ontologically categorizing anything in the space difficult. That's the reality. Not the content. In honoring myself and my consciousness, staying true to myself and maintaining a stance of honesty, I don't know how much of what I'm dealing with is "me" and how much is not.

I can't lean on the idea of inherent good because it kinda seems like the space transcends that, which is fraught.

We're trying to cover bases of the mystery of mysteries. Perhaps all of us correct, accessing different partitions of hyperspace.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I had just woken up and left some stuff out.

I think it risks introducing a paranoia into the system, but if that is your experience then it is thus.

It's already been introduced because I'm paranoid .

I'm neurotic, paranoid, and anxious.

However, such admission doesn't delimit the sense I have about the space.

By the way, your ego is you. You are this little self, and you live from a limited perspective.

What I've been saying is the ego is the aspect of self that cares there is a self.

One love